Rogue Reverend

Good Sex, with Diagrams

A couple of years ago, in Alabama (of course) a preacher preached a funeral. The funeral was probably a very normal service in Alabama. They probably sang a couple of hymns. They probably read some Scripture. Then the preacher probably got up to do the sermon, because every funeral in Alabama has to actually have a sermon. And most Alabama preachers are looking to get people saved at funerals.

The preacher stood to begin the sermon. He probably addressed all the people that loved the deceased, talked about how much they loved him, how he loved them, and started the sermon slowly.

But at some point in the sermon, the preacher looked out at the mourners and said, “This man was a drunkard and a fornicator. You are all drunkards and fornicators.”

Now, like I said, the preacher was probably just trying to save some souls. Apparently, the crowd jumped up, rushed to the altar, not in a frenzy to get saved, but in a frenzy to beat the preacher up. They punched him in the nose.

And then they followed him home and punched him some more.

Apparently, no one, even in Alabama, likes being called a fornicator.

The Merriam-Webster dictionary defines fornication as consensual sexual intercourse between two persons not married to each other. It’s important, I think, to look also at the definition of adultery: voluntary sexual intercourse between a married man and someone other than his wife or between a married woman and someone other than her husband.

Sexual ethics are a BIG deal in the Bible, in case you’re wondering. I mean, there are so many laws about sex that it could make your head swim. Of course, the laws about sex begin in the Law, the Torah, in Leviticus. The Levitical code says that there are three things that make people ritually unclean. You’re unclean if you’ve stepped too close to a dead body, if you’re either a man or a woman who has engaged in sexual intercourse, or if you’re a woman who is menstruating.

I was so deeply puzzled by this concept of ritually unclean, that I contacted my Rabbi. I wrote, “I’m reading some stuff today that said that having sex with a woman who is menstruating, touching a dead body and fornicating all make a person unclean. Why? What is unclean about it?”

The Rabbi responded, “The Bible doesn’t explain the categories of tumah (state of ritual impurity) and taharah (state of ritual purity). In order to participate in Temple ritual, people needed to be in a state of ritual purity. You could become ritually impure by coming into contact with various things, among them a dead body and a menstruating woman. Men and women in Biblical times could be considered sources of tumah—men who had had a seminal emission as well as women who had bled either at their regular time of the month or experienced spotting.  Immersion in the mikvah (ritual bath) at the proper time transitioned someone from a state of tumah to taharah. Post-Temple, by the way, we’re all considered in our tradition to be in a state of ritual impurity for a variety of reasons. So, what does all this mean?  There are many theories.  Some say it’s a taboo against blood, although that wouldn’t explain the sex and dead body issue.  Others have posited that all of these sources of impurity have something (at least sort of) to do with either death or loss of potential life.  It’s also possible that all three of these sources were just considered pretty scary and a ritual was necessary to come back into the presence of God’s worship in the Temple.”

I responded to her email with “That helps a lot. But draw the line. What do we do with this idea of fornication?”

The Rabbi writes this:

The Bible describes both healthy and abnormal sources of tumah, both for men and women.  (See Lev. 15)  There are male healthy emission, the male unhealthy emission, female regular and female irregular emissions.  Some scholars have suggested that by placing sexuality and illness in the “realm of religious concern” (Baruch Levine) the priests suddenly have a public health role to play.  Think of all the stuff about leprosy that’s also in Leviticus and the role the priest have there in declaring who is sick and isolating the sickness.

I don’t think that tumah is a moral category –in other words, Leviticus isn’t saying sexual emissions are wrong or unhealthy.  In fact, I would say that these laws play a role in casting sexual emissions as fundamentally healthy, since they distinguish between all those categories or regular/irregular.

All right, it does seem like I’m going somewhere with here, but I’d like to put it for you in plain language. In real language.

SEX IS NOT WRONG. It’s not sinful. It’s not bad. It’s not evil. It doesn’t make you a bad person because you have sexual needs. In fact, it’s normal and healthy. Sex does not make you impure.

A church member loaned me a book this week, called Embodiment: an approach to sexuality and Christian theology, by James B. Nelson. When considering the traditional Christian view of sex, Nelson seems to agree with the arguments for it, but then writes, raises several pertinent questions: Does at least some of the concern about premarital virginity mask the feeling that sex is inherently suspect? Is “technical virginity” more responsible, more moral? And does the restriction of intercourse to marriage actually make happier, more durable, more fulfilling marriages?”

Again, SEX IS NOT WRONG. It’s not sinful. It’s not bad. It’s not evil. It doesn’t make you a bad person because you have sexual needs. In fact, it’s normal and healthy. Sex does not make you impure.

And each one of us faces our own ideas of what good sex is. For many, sex is only appropriate or good in marriage. For others, marriage may not be an option, like for our gay and lesbian friends. And even others who cannot face the fear of remarriage.

It’s important for me to be really clear here, though. I do not actually think that adultery is okay in any case. Because, to me, and in the Bible, adultery is really not about sex. It’s about betrayal, betraying a person who you are in a relationship with. It’s also, most times, dishonest. The pain from adultery is too great.

Once we’re clear on that, let’s talk about Good Sex.

I read a book called Love Your Neighbor and Yourself, by Elliot Dorff, a Conservative rabbi, a professor of Jewish theology at the American Jewish University in California, author, and a bio-ethicist. He writes that there are 2 fundamental understandings in order to have good sex, according to modern Judaism. First, human beings are created to be an integrated whole. This means that there’s no separation between mind, heart, and body. Not only are we a whole person, but sex doesn’t happen in a vacuum—it happens in community. He writes, “our acts, including our sexual ones, have social consequences.”

The second fundamental understanding to make good sex is that humans are created in the image of God. This is “the source of many of our responsibilities to ourselves, to others, to our world, and to God.

Dorff then suggests six fundamental values: modesty, respect for others, honesty, love and fidelity, health and safety, and holiness. You know, I honestly have to say that I bristled at the idea of modesty, until Dorff said this, “one shares the intimacy of sexual intercourse away from the observation of others so that it can attain an intensity and focus that would otherwise be absent. Privacy thus enables sexual intercourse more effectively to bind the couple together emotionally.” While many of my friends wouldn’t agree with this idea, it does strike a chord with me.

The other ideal of Dorff’s that really speaks to me is the idea of holiness. He writes, “the most famous rabbinic letter on sexual morality in the Middle Ages, attributed to Rabbi Moses be Nahman (Nahmanides), is titled The Letter of Holiness.” In this book, the way which one should approach sexual activity is called “Sh’ar ha-Kedushah” (“The Gate of Holiness”). In the Jewish tradition, sex is for pleasure, celebration and wholeness, but also for holiness.”

I polled folks on my blog about the 3 ideals they have for Good Sex. My favorite answer was from Steve Huff, a friend from high school, who wrote that his most important were honesty, respect, and joy. And #4 is a gorilla suit and #5 is riding crops. I’ve created, for each of these these ideals of good sex, a diagram. You asked for good-sex-diagrams! Here they are!

Nelson holds that the church should have standards for good sex, which may be broader than just in marriage. He says, “the church can insist that love’s evaluative standards out to apply. The relationship out to involve genuine commitment to the other. It should have profound respect for the other as a person, a deep caring for the partner’s well-being. The relationship should be marked by honesty and the concern for social responsibility. In a word, it should embody openness to life.

SEX IS NOT WRONG. It’s not sinful. It’s not bad. It’s not evil. It doesn’t make you a bad person because you have sexual needs. In fact, it’s normal and healthy. Sex does not make you impure.

Good sex happens when open your life up to love, to joining with another person, to being present, joyful, respectful, communicative, loving, enthusiastic, mutually caring, honest, loving, trusting, desiring, modest (or at least private), healthy and safely, integrated, recognizing the image of God in all of us, committed, concerned for social responsibility, and deeply caring. Any or all of these. Whatever works for you.

Easy as pie, huh?

Let’s pray:

Loving God, we want you in our sex life…