Being Enmeshed (with God)
I’ve been getting my fill of enmeshed relationships lately. You know what I mean by enmeshed? Dr. Drew and Adam Corolla (really?) define enmeshed relationships as overdependency. Dr. Drew says:
Dr Drew: Anytime you need somebody in order to be complete, you’re overdependent. Anytime you get in a situation where you lose yourself in a relationship, you’re too dependent. If you’re in a situation where you can’t get out because there’s something about what that person has that you can’t do without, you’re in trouble.
To the extent that your feelings become another person’s, that’s too much. On the other hand, to be overly independent with no concern for the feelings of others is not right either; that heads toward a narcissistic relationship. You should be independent. You should be a separate person who comes together in a relationship, not one who blends into a relationship. It’s not like a puzzle where two pieces have to be together in order to fit or to complete one another. It’s more two separate entities creating a new entity when they’re together.
Ever since I went to the church with the “Jesus is my boyfriend” music, I’ve realized that the religion we’re encouraged to have is enmeshed! Think of some of the things we say, “I want people to see only Jesus in me.” And, “Not me, but Christ in me.” And, “I am nothing without God.” This is what we teach our newest members in our churches.
And the opposite side of the coin of enmeshment is “cutoff.” A cutoff relationship is “where two individuals have no contact at all, characterized by extreme disengagement and emotional intensity where there had formerly been love, affection, or friendliness.”
Isn’t that how we “recover” from our too-close relationship with God? We create a cutoff?
God wants us to be differentiated, not enmeshed. God wants us to be close, not cutoff. Intimate, not consumed. Together, but separate.
July 24th, 2009 at 5:40 pm
I couldn’t agree more! Beautifully said.
July 24th, 2009 at 6:14 pm
It took me years of on-and-off cutoff before I got it: that it’s about standing on solid ground on your own two feet, having a conversation without closing your ears OR waiting dependently for the Other to move you.
You said it succinctly and beautifully. Thank you for this blog.
July 24th, 2009 at 7:16 pm
i loved it when you said this: ‘God wants us to be differentiated, not enmeshed. God wants us to be close, not cutoff. Intimate, not consumed. Together, but separate.’ So many Christians lose themselves and their identity in almost ‘Stepford Wife-like’ fashion. They tend to check their brains at the door of the church and blindly follow. i do not believe any longer that G-D wants us to shed our uniqueness. Great post!
EP
July 24th, 2009 at 9:19 pm
Sabrina, I love the way you put that.
July 25th, 2009 at 4:06 am
It’s not surprising we promote enmeshment when so much of the way our relationship with God is expressed sounds abusive. In packing and unpacking my books this week I took a look at a little devotional volume my grandmother once gave to my mother (probably 50 years ago), and it’s full of this kind of stuff, about being cleansed by God’s wrath. Bleh!
July 25th, 2009 at 12:29 pm
Hmmm, I dunno – aren’t we supposed to approach the Kingdom of God like a child, meaning being utterly dependent on God? Cos we don’t have what it takes by ourselves?
July 29th, 2009 at 9:08 am
Aideen,
Can you give any other scriptural reference for approaching God like a child than the synoptic gospel accounts, which constitute Jesus saying it just once?
God gave us a brain. Aren’t we supposed to use it? And, as humans, we mature. And aren’t we supposed to grow up?