Who Am I?
Some days, I don’t know who I am.
Audacia Ray wrote a post at Feministe this week about American Sex Worker Activist Projects and mentioned Star Light. She wrote, “There is also the now sadly defunct Starlight Ministries, an outreach ministry to exotic dancers that was totally awesome and not in any way a creepy paternalistic shaming religious group.”
Ever since I resigned from Star Light Ministries, the organization I founded as an outreach to sex workers, I have struggled with my concept of who I am. It’s not so much who I am inside, but who I am outside. What do I tell people I “do for a living?” How do I express my passion for people deemed “unacceptable” by the Church, by society at large, by whatever social circle I seem to find myself in, and still be “just a pastor.”
The church that I pastor is amazing. They are smart, funny, easy-going, committed, and so accepting. I really love being around them in a way I haven’t felt in church in a long time. And my love for them seems to grow.
And yet, there’s me. Who am I? WHO AM I?
Many, many years ago I read a story in a book of Russian fables about a student who goes to Minsk to study. But he’s miserable. So he searches out a hermit Rabbi in the woods and says, “When I was in St. Petersburg, I prayed. I read books. I studied. I was happy. Then I moved to Minsk. Here, all I can do is cry. Tears is all I have.” The Rabbi answered, “Maybe what God wants from you now is tears.”
So maybe me not knowing who I am right now is precisely what God wants from me.
July 30th, 2009 at 9:00 am
I’m so happy that you’ve come into my life, whomever you are!
July 30th, 2009 at 9:58 am
Oh friend, I can SO relate to this post. By any chance, are you an MBTI ENFP? ;)
July 30th, 2009 at 10:20 am
Awww, shucks, Stacey. I’m thrilled to know you! You are amazing.
Christina, I’m so NOT an ENFP. I’m a major T and major J. Which makes this more annoying. I just need to make a decision and run with it!
July 30th, 2009 at 1:40 pm
Oh, for a J, that must be very frustrating! It’s hard enough for this ENFP.
July 30th, 2009 at 7:29 pm
I see you re-did your site. I’ve always enjoyed your writing. We come from a long line of literate misfits, cuz. As for your quest, your outreach to the sex workers is not who you are. It’s what you do (did). Yeah, I know a lot of how we identify ourselves is tied up in what we do, but if you truly believe you’re a child of I Am That I Am, you’ll reconnect with that fact and remember your real identity. I sound like I’m lecturing; I’m not. I’m actually talking to myself. Because that’s one of my dilemmas. I define myself by what I do, and I have a “missionary zeal” for my calling, which is admittedly less “noble” than yours, but still a Gift I have embranced and made unique to me. When it’s not working for me, I feel disconnected, unreal, value-less. When it’s hitting, I am in my proper place in the world and all is well. But I know you know about Grace. I know you know God is still watching over your sparrows. I know you know He’s all of our Higher Power, and our role in connecting people changes from time to time. Hang in there. Love you cuz.
July 31st, 2009 at 8:32 am
I can really relate to the feelings you’re describing–both the “who you are vs. what you do” conflict, and the struggle to just “be” who and where you are at the moment, and let that be enough.
For me, part of it comes from my inability to fit into a neat package. My approach to Christianity has the distinct ability to frustrate both Christians and non-Christians alike. My approach to blogging doesn’t have enough definition or a concise enough audience/market for the people out there who tell you how to have a successful blog. My approach to divorce and other messy topics makes people uncomfortable. It’s just hard enough to BE who I am, let alone to describe it to others.
The other problem, though, stems from just not trusting God enough–not trusting that he made me a certain way for a certain reason. I’ll always be working on that, I suspect.
Anyway, blessings to you as you work through this. You’re not alone!
July 31st, 2009 at 6:39 pm
Who are you? Someone awesome, nice, caring, who I am so happy to have met!
August 29th, 2009 at 3:33 pm
Who are you? Who are any of us? If what we DO contradicts what we SAY, then we aren’t being real. You are very real. Generous to a fault, truly compassionate and I’ve yet to meet anyone who isn’t happy to know you (I’m sure there are Lia-haters, but they don’t talk to me). You offer love, a sense of being cared for, solutions to real-world problems that don’t violate your beliefs as a Christian. A conversation with you offers a sense of uplift at the end. A sense of possibility.
I’m not sure what that all adds up to, but it is YOU and it’s not going to change. It will only get better.
XX